May Workshop - Sirius

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Sirius Fudge
Silver Arrow
Posts: 475
Joined: Thu Aug 11, 2011 10:24 am
Location: The Sett

May Workshop - Sirius

Postby Sirius Fudge » Sun Jun 04, 2017 11:18 pm

Mars is bright tonight!
That's what he said
He can't be right.

Mars is nowhere in sight
He continued instead,
Mars is bright tonight!

It is just moonlight
There is nothing red
He can't be right.

He is getting tight
His words, repeated
Mars is bright tonight!

Does he want a fight?
Because in my head,
He can't be right.

He did not said 'might'
This dialogue's dead
Mars is bright tonight!
He can't be right.

Aurelia West
Oakshaft 79
Posts: 143
Joined: Wed Sep 14, 2011 4:21 am

Re: May Workshop - Sirius

Postby Aurelia West » Sat Jun 17, 2017 10:04 pm

This was interesting to read! I liked the subject you chose and the way it was portrayed. If I were to make any comment, I would probably suggest to change the words in the second refrain from 'he can't be right' to 'he cannot be right' because it would go along with the rhythm of the previous line better. The tone you conveyed came across very well; I could feel and relate to the confusion the narrator faces. When I was reading your villanelle, a lot of the lines came across to me as rather staccato, which I feel also kind of adds to what the narrator is feeling during this conversation. All in all, I found it to be a very interesting read and I'm glad we both participated in these workshops this semester!

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