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May Workshop - Sirius

Posted: Sun Jun 04, 2017 11:18 pm
by Sirius Fudge
Mars is bright tonight!
That's what he said
He can't be right.

Mars is nowhere in sight
He continued instead,
Mars is bright tonight!

It is just moonlight
There is nothing red
He can't be right.

He is getting tight
His words, repeated
Mars is bright tonight!

Does he want a fight?
Because in my head,
He can't be right.

He did not said 'might'
This dialogue's dead
Mars is bright tonight!
He can't be right.

Re: May Workshop - Sirius

Posted: Sat Jun 17, 2017 10:04 pm
by Aurelia West
This was interesting to read! I liked the subject you chose and the way it was portrayed. If I were to make any comment, I would probably suggest to change the words in the second refrain from 'he can't be right' to 'he cannot be right' because it would go along with the rhythm of the previous line better. The tone you conveyed came across very well; I could feel and relate to the confusion the narrator faces. When I was reading your villanelle, a lot of the lines came across to me as rather staccato, which I feel also kind of adds to what the narrator is feeling during this conversation. All in all, I found it to be a very interesting read and I'm glad we both participated in these workshops this semester!