November Workshop - Lavinia

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Lavinia Rookwood
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November Workshop - Lavinia

Postby Lavinia Rookwood » Sun Nov 29, 2015 5:05 am

Haiku 1
Sunlight glittering
black rock warm and polished bright
treasure lost to river

Haiku 2
Sunlight slips under
waves capture one last sunbeam
crash into black shore

Tanka 1
humming wind, machine hum
leaves fall to dust, clocks tick to rust
one ruins the other
is there no bridge between them
or must we always choose one?

Tanka 2
Desert sand drifts in wind
scratching rock 'til it shapeshifts
tiny cut, big change
life is many paper cuts
that creates origami

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Jennet Jones
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Re: November Workshop - Lavinia

Postby Jennet Jones » Sun Nov 29, 2015 10:57 pm

Haiku 1 and 2 feel like a matched pair to me. Not only do they both involve images of sunlight and blackness and water, but they both invoke a sense of loss.

Haiku 1 is expertly executed in the classic haiku style; concrete natural images evoking a mood, followed by a twist in the last line that changes the mood, while carrying on the natural motif. I wanted to say "the water motif", but as I look back at the poem, I realize that water is never explicitly mentioned in the first two lines. It's just implied by the "glittering" of the light and how "polished" the rock is, to such a degree that my mind filled it in. I really love how you implied water in the first two lines without using any water words.

Haiku 2 is a little more experimental, in that the mood of loss slowly builds from line to line, rather than coming in as the twist at the end. I'm not quite sure how to interpret the "black" in the last line, though. Are you talking about a beach with black sand, or is it the darkness of night? (If the latter, it's an abrupt transition that skips over the gloaming.)

Can I just say that I love Tanka 1? You're not afraid to grapple with the big questions, and they don't come much bigger than the relationship between nature and artifice. And the parallels in the first two lines are amazing! You draw out the similarities with the reuse of "hum" in the first line and then use parallel structure and internal rhyme all packed into the second line. Have you considered abandoning the tanka form for this one? I realize that you have to do tanka for this homework assignment, but I think this could be professionally publishable afterwards if you had the freedom to make the structure of the conclusion resonate with its content the same way that you did in the first two lines. You're already tweaking the line length in the first two lines (which is not a bad thing) and using non-tanka techniques like internal rhyme.

Tanka 2 is also approaching big themes, in this case the accumulation of small changes that together make a big impact. But the last line throws me; origami is the art of paper folding, not paper cutting. Have you thought about using "jianzhi" (the Chinese art of paper cutting) or "mon kiri" (Japanese paper cutting) instead of "origami"?

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Ezmerelda Raveness
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Re: November Workshop - Lavinia

Postby Ezmerelda Raveness » Thu Dec 03, 2015 3:50 am

I have to say that tanka 1 stole my heart. It's amazingly insightful and thought provoking.
I really like what you did with that piece. Giving the reader an eternal question that haunts many souls. That wa as wonderful beyond words. Your other pieces were relaxing, the one about the beach made me feel very serene. If I could say anything about improving your assignment, it would be that I just wish I could've kept reading! Nice work.

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