November Workshop - Jennet

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Jennet Jones
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Posts: 22
Joined: Mon Aug 17, 2015 6:05 am

November Workshop - Jennet

Postby Jennet Jones » Wed Nov 18, 2015 5:09 am

1.
No time for lovers;
Family obligations
waste vacation days.

2.
Hot geologist!
Mom thought him too young for me.
(We exchanged emails.)

American Winters

New snow drifts above
Last week's dirty slush remains
A threat: icicles!
Cobble scrapes the snowplow blade;
Time to dig the sidewalk out.

Sun shines clear and bright
Dry grass crackles on the lawn
Barest hint of frost.
Children rush outdoors and shout
"Christmas will be white this year!"

Sunless overcast
Moss and lichen green the trees
Cold rain needles down
Drafty transit shelter chills
Cold hands tug the hoodie up.

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Ezmerelda Raveness
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Joined: Sun Oct 18, 2015 10:49 pm

Re: November Workshop - Jennet

Postby Ezmerelda Raveness » Thu Nov 19, 2015 3:05 am

I really like that you have a wide variety of topics. one of the things I need to work on is my writing flexibility, and I think you did that quite nicely. i noticed that some rhymes seem amateur and i say this because i feel as though you didn't reach your full potential with this assignment. i think you have a talent for attention-to-detail writing which means that by simply reading this piece i feel like you are a writer that is capable of capturing the attention of any particular audience you choose to write towards, which is amazing! if i were you, i would channel that when writing :)

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Ariella McManus
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Joined: Fri Sep 16, 2011 4:13 pm
Location: Kentucky, USA

Re: November Workshop - Jennet

Postby Ariella McManus » Sun Nov 29, 2015 5:09 am

I actually loved these poems, especially the second one. It was playful both in tone and style; major kudos to you as that is something I definitely struggle with myself. As mentioned, you show a range in topics and a flexibility that I truly envy. My only critique would be that there wasn't more for me to read!

I loved the last stanza in your last poem; very descriptive and it made me, as the reader actually feel the cold. You paint a very clear picture with your words, as well as evoke feeling, which is not something that everyone can do. You have a real talent; for Merlin's sake don't ever quit writing!!
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“Do what I do. Hold tight and pretend it’s a plan!”

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Lavinia Rookwood
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Re: November Workshop - Jennet

Postby Lavinia Rookwood » Sun Nov 29, 2015 5:14 am

I think I almost like the second haiku best of the ones listed here. There's something about the parenthesis around (we've exchanged emails) that seems almost like a gleeful whisper. It really did paint a full picture. In fact, I say all of you works painted a picture here. It did take me a moment to realize that the three tankas were a bit more separate, only united in theme and not actually one long poem. So I might recommend giving each one a title, even if they stay gathered under the title of "American Winters". Your last tanka was probably the clearest one to me, because it's something I've experienced quite a few times now. So definitely going to say you did well here.
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