November Workshop - Ezmerelda

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Ezmerelda Raveness
No broom
Posts: 3
Joined: Sun Oct 18, 2015 10:49 pm

November Workshop - Ezmerelda

Postby Ezmerelda Raveness » Sun Oct 18, 2015 11:07 pm

it's been a long time since I've seen you
but I still remember the look on your face
the proposal came between
what could have been, what could have been

I remember how you got so close to me
and looked deeply into my eyes
"does it feel like this when he kisses you?"
how could I tell so many lies....

it wasn't the same
but I knew he was faithful
2 months ago we were just saying hello
and it went to far

I fell for you
but he still loved me too
I felt like a heart-mutilating mistress

when I told you goodbye
my final lie
it feels the same when He kisses

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Ariella McManus
Silver Arrow
Posts: 436
Joined: Fri Sep 16, 2011 4:13 pm
Location: Kentucky, USA

Re: November Workshop - Ezmerelda

Postby Ariella McManus » Sun Nov 29, 2015 5:01 am

I loved the feeling behind your poem; you could feel the heartbreak behind each word. It was evocative and sad; two things I really enjoy in a poem, and actually one of the themes I tend to employ myself. The only advise I would give you is to watch your spelling and grammar; there are several errors and it does get a bit distracting. Also, I would change the numerical '2' to an actual word. Maybe it's just my personal preference, but having it start the beginning of a line seems 'off' somehow. All in all, though, I really enjoyed this one; you are a seriously talented writer. I would love to see more from you.
Ravenclaw Prefect/Head Student/Student Teacher/ar1107
“Do what I do. Hold tight and pretend it’s a plan!”

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